Sir Christopher Kelly Report
Our favourite satirist, Dungeekin, back in the ring with The (Grace) Kelly Report
So, Dear Reader, today will see Doctor Kelly lance the festering boil that is the MP’s expenses scandal. In his honour, and with the enjoyable spectacle of MPs losing their gravy train ahead, I thought we should have a little song.
[spoken]
I wanna talk to you!
The last time we talked Mr. Kelly you reduced my John Lewis list!
I promise you that won’t happen again!
You tried to redact them,
Tried to conceal them behind spin and lies,
Dishonest and dirty,
Grasping and greedy,
Now it’s you we despise,
The totals are awesome,
Really it’s loathsome,
How you milked us dry!
Why were you greedy?
Living the high life on the cash we supply?
It’s time for the verdict of Kelly, (Oooo)
He says your expenses were bad, (Aaaagh)
The size of your claims were just silly, (Mmmmm)
Your sense of entitlement’s mad!
We paid for your house,
Paid for your booze,
For you to watch porn on Sky!
You were deceitful,
You were just venal,
Claiming for anything you like!
Don’t wanna be mean,
But you were obscene,
Claiming for bath plugs and more!
Why were you greedy?
Why were you greedy?
Why keep on claiming for more?
The Power of the Euro-parliament and Brussels
There is a pitiful comparison with Westminster …the laws of this country are no longer determined by Parliament at Westminster
Comment from Boris: “Cor, I thought. This is what it must be like to be in one of those films. You nod off for 10 minutes and you wake up in 200 years’ time. We had just pitched up at the Gare du Midi in Brussels and the transformation was incredible. It was 20 years ago that this paper despatched me to the Belgian capital to be its Common Market Correspondent, and in those days the Gare du Midi was a wonderfully dingy place with feral cats and trod-on chips and Turkish taxi drivers snoozing in their battered Mercs and trains departing slowly for First World War destinations like Poperinge.
“Now the future had arrived. A vast space-age Eurostar terminal loured over the ancient quartier, and as we headed into the heart of Euroville I couldn’t believe my eyes. Poor old Brussels took a terrible pasting in the Fifties, when ruthless British developers moved in and razed so many lovely maisons de maître, whacking up anonymous office blocks in their place. That was nothing to the destruction now taking place in the name of Europe.”
Jackie Smith to step down as Home Secretary
Thanks to Dungeekin for his excellent satire.
(Apologies to Doris Day)
The Budget April 2009
Taxandspendy – with apologies to Lewis Carroll
Twas Budget, and the slimy toad,
Did send poor Darling out again,
From whimsy were the numbers grow’d,
That came from Number Ten.
“And use the Taxandspend, old son,
The debts that bite, the laws that catch,
Entreat the hidden tax, don’t shun,
The slightest attempt to snatch!”
He took his big red box in hand,
Longtime to Parliament he talked,
And waffled he, for in honesty,
He’d given it no thought.
Bankers’ greed and civil servants sitting pretty
Bonuses? For this lot? You have to be joking. It is mind-blowing. It is outrageous. It is sick. Since I have now been officially designated by the BBC as the last politician willing to say anything in favour of the financial services industry and its practitioners, I hope my friends in the City will not mind if I say that it is unbelievable – totally and utterly unbelievable – that banks in receipt of billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money should be using some of that money to “reward” their star performers.
Peter Mandelson: make London more competitive, not less
Isn’t it time Gordon Brown stopped the FTSE stampede?
Whoa there. Hold your horses, folks. The rustle of alarm is turning into a scuttle, and the scuttle is turning into a drumming roar of feet in flight. As the economic position gets worse, it is reported that this country is starting to see some notable departures.
Is Peter Mandelson and his business nous our only hope?
