Boris in Medical Test Blunder

“You have chronic lymphocytic leukaemia,” said the summary

Being sent the wrong health results makes you think about how random and pitiless the universe is, says Boris Johnson.

One of the peculiarities of being Mayor of London is that there is no provision for an automatic succession. If the mayor dies in office – whether he has a cardiac infarct, falls beneath the wheels of one of his own buses or he is cornered in a dark alley and beaten to death by hooded teenage girls with rolled up copies of Jackie magazine – then there is no way he can be smoothly replaced by a deputy mayor.

The rules say there must be a by-election, and a by-election is immensely laborious. Polling stations must be booked. Millions of leaflets and ballot papers must be printed. Officials must be recruited to ensure fair play, with UN observers probably flown in from Zimbabwe and Afghanistan. The whole shebang costs about £20 million. Since the Greater London Authority has better things to do with £20 million than keep it in a sock drawer in case the mayor carks it, we have a system of insurance. And because they are being asked to insure the mayor’s life for this vast sum – about as much, I shouldn’t wonder, as the foot or hand of Thierry Henry – the insurers insist that the mayor must pass an annual medical test.

Boris explains that “ever since the office was invented, the insurers have insisted that the mayor goes along to a famous private healthcare company that it is superfluous to name.

For the past two years I have obediently toddled off to a swish clinic. Actually, I rather enjoy the experience, and this year my feeling from the female doctors and nurses was that I was doing better than I had thought possible. My hearing was pin-drop sharp (or so they seemed to suggest); and though I am sometimes convinced that I am going blind from staring at a BlackBerry, they gave me the distinct impression that I still had the eyes of a lynx.

In fact, the general ego-boost was what I imagine it must be like to be in a South-East Asian massage parlour and receive a series of extravagant compliments on one’s physique. So when I got back to the office, and recounted events to my executive assistant, Batley-born Ann Sindall, there may have been something boastful in my tone.

A few weeks later the written results arrived at my home address and, though they were marked “strictly private and confidential”, my first instinct was to hand them over without even having a look. “Just bung them through to the insurers,” I told Ann, and barely had she taken hold of the envelope when I yanked it back. I had a thought. What if my impressions of the test had been false?

Ann and I know each other well -15 years – but I can imagine that she might have broken into a good-natured chuckle on being the first to read such news. I wanted to be spared that chuckle.

I opened the envelope myself, and quickly scanned the report, starting at the back and hunching away from her so that she couldn’t see. My thyroid was dandy and so was my renal function. There were no abnormalities in my urine sample. Terrific. They thought I could do with more exercise, with two strenuous sessions each week, and that seemed fair enough. But hang on a mo – what was this?

It seemed my urea level was significantly raised, and, good Lord, I had the lungs of a 68-year-old and a one in six chance of contracting diabetes within the next 10 years! Feverishly I riffled to the front, to the page marked “Medical Summary”:  “You have chronic lymphocytic leukaemia,” said the summary. Leukaemia, I thought, and my mind spooled as fast as it has ever done. Right, I thought. Leukaemia. How bad is that these days? And then my eyes skittered on in despair, about various drugs I was taking, and the opinions of distinguished consultants – and in that instant the penny dropped, and I was as certain as certain could be that these results could not possibly be mine. “Are you sure?” said Ann. “Yes, I am sure,” I said, slightly testily. “I don’t have leukaemia.”

Within a few hours we had solved the mystery, and my real results were couriered round. Someone had blundered. After all, I had lost nothing. The results confirmed my rude good health, with colossal lung capacity and less chance of contracting coronary heart disease, apparently, than someone half my age.

In fact, I had gained something – an insight into what it must be like to be that person, and to receive some bad news from the doctors. It made me think how random and pitiless the universe is.

I was talking to a child about God and the problem of pain, and why so many good and wonderful people have awful physical afflictions, when so many bad people have none. The best answer I could come up with was that pain is essential in the world, because without pain there would be no pleasure, without bad things no good things, without dark no light and so on. But how these things are distributed is a mystery. Why does the angel of death fly over some houses but not others? There is no rhyme or reason. There is no system of just deserts. It is all as inexplicable as a piece of mail intended for someone else.”

For a longer version read The Daily Telegraph

20 thoughts on “Boris in Medical Test Blunder”

  1. What a good article by Boris.

    The thing I’ve noticed about illness is that most people expect you to operate as if nothing has happened. It’s just a moment in conversation. As if a pain isn’t screaming in your head or as if that bombshell hasn’t just obliterated your world and irrevocaby altered the world of those nearest to you. As if you can think as clearly as anyone not just through the pain but the fear.

    Boris had an insight into that moment, when everything else just doesn’t matter. Only scanning the results and feeling utterly helpless.

  2. I have the T-Shirt for the experience mentioned.I was told, quite out of the blue!,that I had Chronic Leukaemia 3 years ago.I remember thinking “Hang on! “This is not in the script” and then my world seemed to close in around me.
    I suffered months of insomnia,lack of appetite and terrible feelings of doom and fear. Boris,as has been already mentioned, has had a taste of this, a glimpse for a few seconds of what the word “Cancer” can do to your life.
    Thank god it was a mistake for him, but let us not forget those who’s diagnosis sadly will not be made in error.

    http://www.scirocco2morocco.blogspot.com
    (Leukaemia Issues website)

  3. Boris, I unfortunately am one if those people who have recently faced a consultant to be told you have CLL. I am fit, active and currently an airline pilot. I had damaged my knee in the gym and needed a bit of surgery. The pre op blood test indicated CLL. I do not need treatment yet but as you say the news if it has concentrated my mind. I liked your story of telling the child about good and evil. The angel of death remark was interesting but in my case when it is flying from house to house when it gies past mine it notices I am on the list so no doubt it lingers just in case. Ah well life goes on and I am luckier than others. When you do get the bad news from the doc , hopefully never, I think you will be surprised by your reactions.

  4. Boris! – What a joy on a dark November day. Food for thought with a bit of fun thrown in. Don’t leave us!

  5. “I was talking to a child about God and the problem of pain …” (Boris)

    Ask a Biblical question, get a Buddhist answer? Why didn’t you just direct him to the Book of Exodus?

  6. I see on the Guardian site they refer to money thrown at companies by Boris JOhnson where the competition doesn’t seem to have been quite fair and open as “borisbungs”.

  7. First, thank you God, because at first glance I thought that was Boris’s fruity carnival hat in the photo and I almost had a heart attack.

    Secondly, if Sir Al Megrahi and Ronnie Biggs are still alive now, you have nothing to worry about. Although, correctly one should do one’s duty to help funeral parlours in this recession.
    …… [Ed: the rest is off-topic]

  8. That’s funny. I was told I didn’t have cancer, and I actually did.

    Thank you, Boris Johnson, for a compelling illustration of what a colossal waste of money private healthcare is. Socialism salutes you!

  9. @raincoaster: I am seriously worried about your comment and my only consolation is that you have had a speedy recovery if your output on cyberspace/blogs and twitter are anything to go by.

  10. I went to see my doctor this morning, folks – feeling very poorly with a persistent sore throat and some temperature. The waiting room was crowded with people with all sorts of illnesses and infectious diseases. Meaning if you are not too ill when you arrive, you will be by the time you leave. So do be careful. Anyway, while waiting to be given a good seeing to by my doctor, I picked up a copy of The Time which had this interesting article: PEER CHALLENGED OVER CND ROLE AND FUNDS FROM SOVIET UNION

    http://www.timeonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article6932391.ece

  11. if that link doesn’t work, folks, please google:

    PEER CHALLENGED OVER CND ROLE AND FUNDS FROM SOVIET UNION DAVID CHARTER

    I’m very unhappy about Cathy Ashton being appointed EU’s High Representative for Foreign Affairs. It’s just like giving a top job to a communist spy, doesn’t it?

  12. Imagine what would have happened if he had been treated for Cancer even though he wasnt ill! Of course someone who did have Cancer would be escape the system completely.

    This situation reminds me so much of the post 911 accusation that Muslims are Terrorists. Even if they are not specifically accused of it there is an implicit feeling that they are in the same way Boris was thought to have Cancer eventhough he did not.

    At least Boris can sleep comfortably now. When will Muslims be able to sleep comfortably?

  13. @raincoaster: ok i may be a bit late here, ut just checked back on this subject.
    sorry to hear about your problem even if in the past , you seem very nice, unfortunately its only nice people who ever get ill . I have a feeling that its to do with conscience , i am sure it drains our immune system as the people who lack it live till 90 with no more than a cold!
    good luck in the future and glad to hear you beat it !

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