The Budget April 2009

Taxandspendy – with apologies to Lewis Carroll

 

Twas Budget, and the slimy toad,
Did send poor Darling out again,
From whimsy were the numbers grow’d,
That came from Number Ten.

“And use the Taxandspend, old son,
The debts that bite, the laws that catch,
Entreat the hidden tax, don’t shun,
The slightest attempt to snatch!”

He took his big red box in hand,
Longtime to Parliament he talked,
And waffled he, for in honesty,
He’d given it no thought.

And as for more he did beseech,
The Taxandspend did once again,
Come whiffling through the Budget speech,
And charged us as it came!

One Two! One Two! For me and you,
Our once-full pockets he ransacked,
And left us spent, to pay their debts,
He crippled us with tax.

“And hast thou used the Taxandspend?
Come to my arms, my eyebrow’d boy!
O Frabjous Day! Calooh! Calay!”
Gord chortled in his joy.

Twas Budget, and the slimy toad,
Did send poor Darling out again,
From whimsy were the numbers grow’d,
That came from Number Ten.

 

With thanks to Dungeekin 

35 thoughts on “The Budget April 2009”

  1. A star is born… absolutely brilliant poem by Dungeekin and his fans are growing at such a rate, Russell Brand is getting jealous.

  2. Bloody funny poem. Under Brown, the laughs have really run out, so it’s good to find someone with the life left in them to see the joke. We are all bled dry.

  3. Labour has tried to set a trap for the Tories by raising tax for earners over £150,000 to 50p. in the £1. Gordon hoped that David Cameron would criticise this thereby laying himself open to the charge that he unfairly championed the rich, and so the Tories hadn’t changed. Mr. Cameron did not fall for it, saying instead that he could not promise that this would be changed, should the Tories come to power (which they will).

    Boris Johnson has come out in defence of high earners, because their brains and talent are the life blood and power house that drives this country. No doubt Labour will try to make out that this means there is a split in the Conservative Party.

    If I am asked whom I think is right, Boris Johnson or David Cameron, my reply is, they both are. Boris Johnson is absolutely right to speak up for high earners, whom we desperately need, and if these people left the country, it would mean we would go downhill.

    But Mr. Cameron is also right not to fall for Gordon’s sneaky, dishonest manoeuvre. Our memories are not so short that we do not remember when Sir Fred of RBS was so friendly with Gordon, they were practically swapping spit in the shower, (metaphorically speaking.)while Tony Blair and Gordon were in bed with the bankers, happily eschewing all thoughts of regulation, until the whole kit and caboodle blew up in their eager little faces.

    Mr. Cameron is absolutely right not to make promises now when the future is so unclear, and it would be foolish and irresponsible to do so.

  4. Thanks for the lovely comments, they’re much appreciated.

    For those who may be interested, there’s a new ‘Budget Song‘ on my main site – time will tell if it will make the front page here!

    I hope you enjoy it, and hope to bring you plenty more giggles and sniggers in future.

    Best

    Dungeekin

  5. Brilliant, but Mr Darling is much more like the White Knight, with his red Box For Stopping The Money Running Out®.

  6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVC2j_Kdw8c

    Here is the song for the next Labour Party conference. “The Back Stabbers” by the OJs. “they’re smiling in your face, but they want to take your place, the back stabbers… the back stabbers?

    Particularly the line, “a few of your buddies sure look shady1”

  7. PM EXES CASH BID IS DASHED – CAMERON BLASTS £25K FOR CLOCKING ON ! (THE SUN, 23 APR):

    Gordon Brown’s bid to axe MPs’ second homes allowance was in disarray last night. Brown called in David Cameron and Nick Clegg (Lib Dem leader) for talks on his plans to instead bring in a daily “clocking on” payment. This would let MPs rack up £25,000 per year no questions asked and tax-free. Cameron and Clegg said their parties would vote against it next week.

    Cameron insisted the “daily allowance” (about £200/day) move was unacceptable. Under Cameron’s own plan, the Tory leader wants to let all MPs claim only for rent, mortgage interest payments, utility bills and council tax only. They would be banned from claiming for TVs, DVDs, HiFi systems, furniture, new kitchens or bathrooms – and certainly no potted plants, plastic bath-plug or porn films.

    Cameron said: “Gordon Brown is trying to replace the current system where you have to produce some receipts with a new system where you get the money without having to produce any . How crafty!”

    Nick Clegg said: “Brown’s trying to swap a flawed system with one which is more flawed!”

    At the moment, MPs are paid second home allowance up to £23,000 per year max., plus running cost of second home allowance (furniture, food, renovating…) up to £26,000 per year.

    Brown’s £200 per day clocking on tax free allowance will net each MP at least £25,000 per year ( not much different from the current £26,000 per year second home running cost allowance ) AND MPs will still get their £23,000 second home allowance as usual.

    Cameron’s plan is much better: No second home allowance (£23,000 per year) and no second home running cost allowance (£26,000 per year). MPs are only paid an anual salary like everybody else, they then can claim rent, utility bills allowances for working in London plus council tax and mortgage interest repayment allowance for the family home where their husband/wife/children live.

    1. Nee, I’m not sure anyone has got this right – yet. I’ve just attempted to look up when Parliament is in session and (hee-hee) the quickest route to an answer is to find out when Parliament is in recess http://www.politics.co.uk/briefings-guides/political-guides/recesses-$450860.htm. Allowing for all the ifs, buts and maybes that makes 16 weeks when Parliament is not sitting. So, out-of-town MPs need somewhere safe, conducive to work and with internet for four nights, 36 weeks a year. They also need to be able to turn up wherever they are staying late at night, leave early in the morning and take phone calls at all hours without annoying the neighbours. Most apartment-hotels can manage that and they usually throw in laundry and concierge facilities. £150 per night is reasonably generous for a long arrangement and food and incidentals at a generous £50/day makes an easy sum: 200 x 4 x 36 = £28,800. That should cover the ‘away from home’ that any employee is entitled to – especially if there are extra allowances for conferences. As for allowing council tax and mortgage repayments on the family home: why? No-one else gets that. If needs be, increase the basic pay but make everyone responsible for their own mortgages.

      I’m sure I will have missed something in the above but that’s my tuppence.

  8. Get yourself ready for another new influx of immigrants, this time from Moldova!
    http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/95789/One-million-of-Europe-s-poor-offered-way-into-UK

    BBC Deputy Director General Mark Byford enjoys a chauffeured Limo 6 mile journey to work everyday costing taxpayers £58,000 per year.
    http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/270333/BBC-deputy-director-general-Mark-Byford-has-a-pound58000-A-YEAR-chauffeur-driven-limo-to-take-him-just-SIX-MILES-to-work-every-day.html

    The plight of Peterborough, Cambridgeshire – mass influx of immigrants under Labour.
    http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/95939/Homeless-migrants-squalid-camp-in-the-woods

  9. “Cameron said: “Gordon Brown is trying to replace the current system where you have to produce some receipts with a new system where you get the money without having to produce any . How crafty!”

    Nee gosh! That is absolutely crafty! Gordon appals me at times. That is such a cynical thing to do, but he is the first to act sanctimonious and like he has a hotline to the Almighty.

  10. Will Boris Johnson be getting the new tax rate? I gather he gets about 250,000 a year from his Telegraph column and a bit of other writing.

  11. http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/economics/budget/article6157839.ece

    “Top earners hit again in Budget on pensions” screams the Times headling today.

    Not only are top earners going to have to pay 50p in the pound tax, they are also going to have to suffer their pensions being raided, and this last will provide £2.9 billion a year for the Treasury.

    Gordon has drop kicked New Labour into the Thames, and decided to abandon these hard working high earners in favour of the votes of the masses. But he has done nothing about righting the unfairness of the Welfare State. Mothers are still having baby after baby, all with different dads, so they claim the benefits, and professional lazybones haven’t worked for years. I am not blaming the hard workers desperately trying to find jobs, these people are an entirely different matter.

    Gordon also has done nothing about the foreigners invading the country who come here for an easy ride, never intending to lift a finger. Many foreign workers are assets to Britain, and beaver away. But many are not, and some of these people are outright criminals, drug dealers, or violent potential jail birds.

    Gordon doesn’t care. Hanging onto power like grim death, he is prepared to do anything, however destructive to stay where he is. Even if it means being the Saint of Skivers.

  12. It has never been more blindingly obvious that practically everyone holding office in the present government is not up to the job, including the PM.

    Gordon is fast losing what few political skills he had. He wants us to believe that he will be the guy to clean up political life.

    Gordon, Smeargate was last week. We can remember a week back, you know. Anyone, however uninterested in politics they are, can remember as far back as a week!

    I am fake laughing, but the tears are real.

  13. Oh yes. And Gordon Brown is in the process of betraying the Gurkhas. Anyone who is prepared to lay down their lives for this country should be allowed to live here. But Gordon Brown is moving heaven and earth, probably just through sheer stubborness to prevent the Gurkhas having that right.

    He will allow foreign criminals, drug dealers, paedophiles, rapists from abroad in here, because there are not suitabley strict controls, but men who risked their lives for us, the answer is no.

    The Duke of Wellington would have Gordon Brown court martialled for conduct unbecoming to an officer. Gordon Brown’s record, anyway, regarding our armed forces, absolutely stinks.

  14. Gill, you’re right with your calculation there. Cameron’s plan is better compared to Brown’s, but it’s still generous. With MP’s basic salary at about £67,000/year, plus tax-free allowance claims, surely they can afford to pay the interest on their mortgage. Most people in this country earn much less than that.

    Did you and Angela watch that show last night where Alastair Steward asked 3 MPs including Lembit Opik how they could manage to “spend all £26,000/year (second home running cost) up to the penny”? They couldn’t answer but red faces were all around!

    DAILY MAIL, 23/4/09: Pay deal for MEPs, from £63,291 to £76,360/year (a 20% rise or an extra £12,000). The MEP gravy train:

    Salary: £76,360/year, subsistence allowance (food and accommodation): £255/day (£40,800/year) tax-free, staffing allowance: £180,773/year, constituency office allowance: £43,306/year, personal(!) global travel: £3,562/year to go anywhere in the world, final salary pension: this pays 1/30th of the final salary for every year the MEP serves (worth £60,285/year). Gee, doesn’t it make you feel dizzy?

    Now we know why their perks are tax-free – so they won’t have to pay 50% income tax!

    Did you and Angela watch The Debate show last night? One member of the audience declared: “Rich people earning from £150,000/year are rightly taxed at 50% because they caused this recession.” Another man shot back: “Not all people who earn £150K/year caused this recession!” (applauses all around!)

    1. Nee: guess we will have upset some Department somewhere but let’s try for a job-share in the next Government. We can always put body armour on expenses 😉

  15. Labour government wants tax people in this country to death. Under communism-influenced Labour, having a bit of money is a crime. Except themselves.

    And what do they spend your tax money on? Paying suspect terrorists AND their families social benefits (unemployment benefit, child benefit, housing benefit, council tax benefit…). Paying £121,000 to fly a suspect terrorist from Cuba back to UK so he can continue his application for political asylum, and to claim social benefits again. Note: USA told UK not to fly him via USA in case he might apply for political asylum there!
    http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/96359/Fury-at-121k-to-fly-detainee-back-to-Britain

    Labour has also just accepted a suspect terrorist kicked out by Italy. Labour Home Office said: “We will interview him, if he’s unsuitable, we’ll send him away.” But he will appeal again and again, most cases take 4, 5 years to sort out, during that time taxpayers have to feed and house him. And in the end, if Labour decides to kick him out, which country would want to take him in?

  16. ” BOMB’ 9 ARE FREED ”
    “9 men arrested over an alleged al-Qaeda Easter bomb plot were reased last night without charge. The men, aged 22 to 30, were held in the Nort West 2 weeks ago. They are set to be deported. Counter-terror cops beleived there was a plan to target shopping centre and night clubs, but no bombs were found.”

    So Bob Quick should not have quitted so quick then?

  17. “MORTGAGE-SUPPORT-SCHEME” UNSTUCK ON DAY ONE

    Labour’s MSS, already delayed by 5 months, has been shunned by Alliance & Leicester, Abbey, HSBC, Barclays and Nationwide; UK biggest building society. They have all withdrawn their support for the scheme, instead opting to offer customers their own mortgage help.

    Housing minister Margaret Blankett launched the MSS in November 2008, pledging the involvement of “the 8 largest lenders covering 70 per cent of the mortgage market”, saying: “We want to see all lenders signing up”.

    But scrutiny of its small print reveals that of all the banks and building societies offering “enhanced” support to homeowners in mortgage arrears, only a quarter have signed up. More than 28,000 people have lost their homes in this recession.

    To apply, people must have bought their property before 1.12.2008, have an outstanding mortgage less than £400K, savings less than £16K, have regular income ( how? ) and able to contribute 30 per cent of the monthly interest payment.

    Grant Sharpps, Shadow Housing Minister, said: This is a triumph of spin over substance. The small print reveals that most struggling families will not be eligible for any help from these schemes.

  18. IT WILL ONLY WORK IF MAKERS CHIP IN

    Amazing, you wait months for a scrappage scheme and then 2 come along. The government has finally decided to act and offer 2 for the price of 1. Vans and cars! BUT, the government is putting up only £1,000 and expect car makers to add £1,000 – despite the firms saying they can’t afford it!

    If those companies don’t chip in, it makes the £300million scheme irrelevant as motorists are unlikely to be attracted by a £1,000 grant.

    Ken Gibson, Motoring Editor, The Sun 23.4.2009

  19. ‘ Labour propagandist cum ‘psycho’therapist Derek Draper talks revealingly about the practice of lying in his book. He says: ” In our every moment, when we knowingly lie to steal an advantage, we may even secretly glory in our mendacity. More usually, though, we try to bury, or distract ourselves from the memory of the deed, because it’s too uncomfortable to live with the lie.”

    How is Draper living with the lies which got his pal McBride sacked and left the PM wounded, perhaps mortally ? By going on holiday !!!

    Permanent-bachelor Damian McBride is the subject of misleading gossip. Some put it about that he is romancing Katie Myler, a former GMTV producer. Not so. She says: ” I know where this is coming from but there’s no truth in it whatsoever. Yes, I know him. But, I know lots of lobby people in Westminster. That doesn’t mean I’m dating him!”

    Mmm… wonder if Mr McBride has been spreading this gossip himself?!’.

    ( Ephraim Hardcastle, columnist, Daily Mail )

  20. The Sun, Saturday, 25.4.2009: HELP! IT”S WORSE THAN HE SHRINKS!
    Record-breaking slump in the British economy. Darling’s budget predictions were in tatters after the economy shrank by 1.9 PER CENT in the first quarter of 2009. It was the sharpest fall in 30 years and much bigger than expected.

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/money/article2391711.ece

    And Alistair Darling told the nation 2 days ago that he predicted the recession would be over by Christmas this year ! That’s why I was planning to trap Santa in my bedroom all night long; nothing dodgy, just so the 2 of us could celebrate the end of the recession with a glass of sherry.

    Another Labour’s lie. What a shame!

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