Christmas chutney and Christmas shopping
OK, folks, it’s Christmas Eve eve, and the question is whether I can get away with it. There they are on the top of the fridge, a great glistening phalanx of glass pots. Inside those pots is a gibbering radioactive brown mulch, and you know what I intend to do with that nameless gunk?
At this point, my nearest and dearest should stop reading this article, because that stuff is chutney, and that chutney is about to be deployed as an all-purpose, one-size-fits-all universal Christmas present.
Yes, kiddos, Father Christmas is giving you chutney for Christmas whether you like it or not, and he’s giving the same to his brothers and sisters and his parents and his in-laws and frankly just about everybody to whom he owes festive tokens of fiefdom and fealty.
It must be about six weeks or so since we emptied the last dribblings from the huge aromatic chutney vat, and sealed the last pint of the brown ambrosia into the last jar, and ever since I have been hugging myself with Scrooge-like ecstasy.
So that’s Christmas sorted, I said to myself. That’s how to deal with the credit crunch, I gloated. Everybody will understand that this is one of those belt-tightening years, I reasoned, and for the past few weeks I have looked forward to the exchange of presents in a state of complacent glee.
Until, that is, today. Because today I am afraid to say that I have been assailed by uncharacteristic doubt. I look up at those thrifty brown pots of gloop, and then I look down at the paper, and I see that terrible things are happening on the high street of Britain, with sales down 8·4 per cent year on year. I see that Jaguar Land Rover, makers of luxury cars, are in danger of going under – and I wonder am I doing the right thing?
Is it morally, socially or economically defensible to give everyone chutney for Christmas? Let us briefly marshal the arguments.
There is no doubt that the act of making and giving chutney is in keeping with the mood of the times. The Queen has decreed that there should be a halt to the buying of new dresses; caravan holidays are apparently all the rage; the average British male is already drinking 19 per cent less alcohol; and the nation is in one of its rare fits of sobriety, asceticism and repulsion at the ostentatious display of wealth.
And can you blame us? It was binge spending that got us into this mess, wasn’t it? It was reckless lending by all those bankers, whose greed and deceit seems almost to have discredited the very idea of capitalism.
We read of the sufferings of the clients of Bernard Madoff, and I am afraid that we do not feel overwhelmed with sympathy. We see a bunch of rich people whose eyes were so full of dollar signs that they failed to spot the fraud; and in our hearts we know that we have all been participating in the vast Ponzi scheme called Gordonomics, in which the state and the citizens alike have been engaged in an orgy of consumption, and racking up huge debts, on the tacit assumption that they would eventually be met by new entrants to the scheme.
Who are the new entrants? They are our children, and taxpayers unborn, who will have to meet the cost in our borrowings through the sweat of their brows.
Yes, my friends, we are all now members of the proletariat, in the sense that our wealth is now in our children (proles – keep awake at the back of the class there).
It is in this mood of financial self-disgust, you might argue, that it is entirely fitting that an otherwise prosperous member of the middle classes should get a load of apples from the garden, boil them up, add Demerara sugar and vinegar, together with onions, walnuts, apricots and all sorts of other top-secret ingredients, and hand them round to his loved ones for Christmas. And if they are so rash as to complain that this is a bit tight-fisted, I can always point out that it is the thought that counts, eh?
Well, I am not so sure. The more I ponder the morality of chutney-giving, the greater my doubts. If I give everyone a pot of home-made relish, and everyone else goes to the shops and gets me an averagely expensive Christmas present, then I will feel embarrassed by my meanness.
And of course if everybody gives everybody else nothing but chutney, then the economy will completely seize up, and by this time next year no one will have enough money to pay even for the sugar or the vinegar, and the nation will be reduced to such a state of penury that even home-made Christmas presents will be too expensive for us to produce.
To put it another way, if no one goes out to buy a new Jaguar, then not only will Jaguar collapse, but so will all the components makers across the West Midlands, and there will be such a draining of strength from the economy that in the end hardly anyone will be able to afford a new Jag at all.
So here we are, poised on the central dilemma of British politics. Should we all be desperately scrimping and saving, or should we be investing to keep the economy moving?
The answer, of course, is both. We need to cut waste, we need to stop racking up more debts, we need to reverse the massive expansion of the state; but, in so far as we have cash available, we should not hesitate to use it sensibly.
We should continue and indeed step up our investment in infrastructure projects that will be of long-term benefit to the economy, and improve the competitiveness of the United Kingdom.
And as for domestic consumption, it would be a mistake to submit to a complete credit-crunch psychosis. I think I can probably just about afford to buy some presents, in addition to my chutney offerings, and so I should sign off now and do my patriotic duty by going to the shops.
Happy Christmas and condiments of the season to you all.
[This article by Boris Johnson was first published in the Daily Telegraph on 22 December 2008 under the heading, "Giving chutney for Christmas won't help Britain out of recession"]
67 Comments
Some things will collapse whatever we do, because times are moving on. Already the internet is slaughtering stores like Waterstones because you can get books so much cheaper on the net and nothing is going to stop that. The retail trade is also losing sales to on line shopping. It’s like the Industrial Revolution. The strong will survive and find means of making money and people who hang onto dying things just won’t. Move with the times is the message for 2009.
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Thanks to Boris for entertaining us with his brilliant articles throughout the year, always enjoyable and thought provoking.
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I haven’t got mine yet.
Jaguar, chutney, whatever. I’m not proud. Or beholden to an inescapable capitalist vortex of blithe, obedient consumerism.
Although a Lambo could change my mind…
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I know that it is symbolic, but actually, I would love to have the recipe for the chutney. I adore home made chutney and I don’t have many good recipes.
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Geez you have some good ads. for this website now! Has the Mayor noticed the new trend for publishers to publish books of blogging? I am pretty sure that Alexandra Penney is going to blog. her way out of the Madoff scandal, and anything by Boris is a sure fire seller. If he chanted a limerick, it would probably make the Top 20.
Get in quick Boris, before everybody does it, of course you will want us bloggers to answer your blogs. or features, which you could put in the book, so you could democratically pay a tiny proportion of your royalties to be divided amongst us, say 5% for all the bloggers, the remaining 95% for you would be fair, because you are the famous one. In the coming credit crunch, it is good to try new things, this is just a suggestion.
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You have to have a theme though to hang a book of blogs. on, for example, Alexandra Penney has a strong theme – she was ripped off by Madoff. Boris Johnson hasn’t been ripped off. The problem is, the public want to read what Boris writes, and he is so busy, he can’t spend as much time writing books as before.
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I took some of the idea, my parents got the latest technical gadgets, and my sister got a hand knitted scarf that i made from wool i got at a discount for telling the shop owner how terrible her shop was (Never have a sale of gorgeous yarn to show a yarn addict… its not fair)… So i drove the *ahem* American economy and then did some crafting to produce my sister’s scarf…
I have to say that there is something very appealing about handmade bartered goods, while it might not compare to a capitalist system it makes for a far friendlier world. A friend of mine who makes jewelery is doing some work for me in exchange for some knitted work for me. Both of us being highly paid technical people we couldn’t afford to pay each other for the time it would take to do the work…but we both enjoy the effort we put in instead and get something as nice back in exchange.
The whole scheme with spend’n'borrow more seems to me akin to someone who is falling off a cliff deciding that “well i’m falling, i may as well try to fly”… it may work but those are some very sharp rocks…
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Apropos of absolutely nothing, I was thinking, we should support the artists in our communities. At this time, it takes huge courage to be an actor, artist, dancer, musician… these jobs have no security and the people who have chosen them as careers have to face rejection every single day, be told they are not good enough, fight for work, and in the recession, their lives will be harder than ever. If you know any artists, actors, singers, etc. tell them they are fantastic, because they are.
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Our theatres will be feeling the pinch in the recession. It is our patriotic duty to go to the theatre and I intend to go in 2009 much more than before.
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Can anyone report on whether the chutney Boris so laboriously prepared was any good at all?
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No chutney, Raincoaster: sorry! Any luck with your Lambo?
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Angela: I agree with you. Keeping our very varied Arts communities in business is good for us all.
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” It was reckless lending by all those bankers, whose greed and deceit seems almost to have discredited the very idea of capitalism.”
Maybe we could ‘chutney and feather’ the bankers.
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You can understand why Gotham City turned to a vigilante (Batman) to administer justice, can’t you? Conventional justice is failing us; our Home Secretary is out of her depth and is an absolute joke. Our Prime Minister has summoned two previously discredited attack dogs to assist him and apparently they are about to launch a wave of smears and spin at the Tory Party. The police, many of whom still valiantly try to do their jobs, are fighting a losing battle against crime. Some policemen abuse the democratic rights of MPs and make a mockery of our freedoms.
Is it any wonder the citizens of Gotham put their faith in Batman, who cared for justice so much he was prepared to sacrifice himself so the image of Harvey Dent as a hero remained untarnished and they still had something to still believe in? Because “sometimes the truth isn’t good enough.
Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.”
In the style of the best Hollywood film trailers… (DEEP DRAMATIC VOICE SPEAKS) “In a city’s darkest hour…. when danger threatens…. when financial ruin stares us in the face….. when all hope seems to have died…. A HERO ARISES!!!”
Yup! We still have Boris Johnson!
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Joking aside, conventional justice is failing ordinary people. They are ripped off by banks and mortgage companies through unexplained charges daily while the government stands by and watches. People applying for the refund of overly harsh bank charges, after more than a year, are still waiting. If your bike is pinched, or your pocket is picked, or your house is broken into, the police are so overstretched, you might as well wave your losses goodbye. The process of suing others is arduous, and often you cannot get a solicitor to take your case, even if you can afford one.
Is it any wonder people would turn to Batman, were one available? Or Don Corleone? “Godfather, my daughter was attacked/I was robbed/my wife was knocked down by a car/my house was burgled! The perpetrators have wealthy familes/cannot be found/say they are innocent and the judge did nothing! Give me justice, Don corleone!”
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This is the reason that the film THE DARK KNIGHT has been so hugely popular, and resonates with millions. The idea that there is a strong, caring figure, prepared to fight for justice, SIMPLY BECAUSE THAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, is very powerful and appealing when most people at this time feel that in spite of the oily PR and spin emanating from our leaders, nobody is concerned with right and wrong in any way whatsoever. We all know that all they care about is staying in power, and that they would do things which were not to our benefit to accomplish that. We all know that, even people who never think about politics.
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Well, Jesus, how bad could this Chutney have been? I mean, whether it was gifted to deserving party supporters or not, it was made. And yet, it appears not to have been distributed.’
Did the Mayor spearhead some bizarre ritual whereby the castoff chutney of a thousand Sloanes is laid upon a million proles?
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Also: no bloody luck with the Lambo. Goddam Canada Customs no doubt. So the least you could expect is a bit of the normal report of whether this year’s Porsche lived up to last year’s!
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Walking through Leicester Square today, there is a ticket booth that sells theatre tickets. They were offering tickets to all the shows for HALF PRICE and the queue stretched right round the Square. LOOKED PROMISING.
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Please, Mr. Johnson see a cosmetic dentist. You are a public figure and your incisors remind one of a wolf, can you please get them capped?
Otherwise, your a very enjoyable pol.
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Valerie, usually the Mayor’s suit is rumpled, his hair looks like he has just fallen out of bed, his socks don’t match and he has quite a fat tummy. In spite of all this, women are hurling themselves at him in droves. Can you explain this phenomenon?
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Have you thought of marketing the chutney as Boris’s Special Blend of Chutney? Paul Newman made two mill. from his salad dressing. It would go down in a big way with your adoring fans, you could give part of the profits to charity.
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Well, it’s documented he MADE the chutney. The only question is, did he distrubute the chutney.
Boris, have you got my address? Seriously, chutney qualifies as an exotic import in Canada.
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Yo Boris!
You have such a warm and easy going manner. I recognise that cheeky look
Boris, I’ve accidentally pressed the wrong button on Twitter. Can you ask again for me please ? I was so chuffed i rushed inot it too fast and now I sem locked out.
Warmest regards,
Sandy
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my spelling’s horrendous.
inot? Sounds like Inuit!
sem? Sounds like Stem… ooo
Ok, (wondering what to do here, like … yikes).
um, do you know whose account to connect to …
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Oo, Angela,
I saw your Gotham post
I’m too stressed to read the other ones.
Yikes!
Please calm down people & play cricket instead of cat fights. The generation and timewarp game need a firm but gentle hand. Us over here Hong Kong, SAR China are calling on all Londoners to keep the Olympic spirit alive.
Hk Sandy
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Excellent speech by Boris in yesterday’s Standard.
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23611354-details/'If+we+work+hard+we+can+make+London+safer,+fairer,+cleaner'/article.do
Very practical and inspiring.
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Sandy – what did Boris ask you? Your comments make me quite intrigued. Did you say you wanted chutney?
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Hi Sandy, didn’t understand your message. What cat fights are you talking about, I never have anything to do with those! What is the generation and the timewarp game? Are you in China?
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As a 14 year old girl I would be horrified to recieve chutney as a present (mainly because I do not like chutney), but you obviously put a lot of time and thought into the presents and people should not shirk away from that. Even if they do not like chutney it is the thought that counts.
But if you are buying rich people (paul Mcartney with his millions, Bill Gates, etc..), people who have a enough money to buy England in its present state. May I suggest that chutney may no be the best present!
Katy Horgan DMYP
Ps. In the opening of the 2012 olympics I believe we should have 2012 morris dancers! (please consider!)
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Dude (Y)
there should be 2012 morris dancers. Tis a good idea.
Flo Simons Future Prime mininster
‘ox
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I agree with the above posts.
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23611354-details/‘If+we+work+hard+we+can+make+London+safer,+fairer,+cleaner’/article
Boris’s speech, link above, is outstanding.
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Katy I agree with you – morris dancers should be there.
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I totally agree with Boris when he said in his Standard speech “We must not let the green agenda wither in the economic cold…..If 38% of our greenhouse gases are produced by domestic properties, then we should be training and unleashing armies of retrofitters – and saving occupiers a fortune in their bills.”
This speech of Boris’s in the Standard is a landmark speech. Everyone should read it.
WAY TO GO BORIS.
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2012 morris dancers? Why not? Canada’s going to have at LEAST 2010 beavers at the opening of OUR Olympics.
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In the next Rugby World Cup, we need a riposte for when the All Blacks do the Haka. This might be just the dance for Martin Johnson’s guys.
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I find this relentless callous disregard for the fate of the poor, abandoned chutneys speaks all too eloquently of the tundra-like emptiness of the English heart.
What of the chutney-making’s carbon footprint?
Where did the chutneys actually go? Were they disappeared?
Did they, on the other hand, turn up under the Christmas trees of those who will always consider themselves one of the ones who got the Seasonal Johnsonian Booby Prize?
You realize, of course, that if these questions are not answered, Boris will never be able to give anyone a jar of chutney in his entire life without the question being raised, ever so quietly…”is this one of those ones?“
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Well, Raincoaster, as the mystery continues, we could try asking for the recipe. Alas, you have already said that your country views chutney as an “exotic” import and as food carriage regulations are frequently bizarre (tins of beans are not allowed in handluggage because the tomato sauce might be dangerous!), a recipe might be the best we can hope for. We know there will be no damsons in this chutney as the harvest failed (see his earlier post) so I guess lots of apples and brown sugar – but what for the spices?
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Gill, I agree, we need the recipe, and the Mayor better cough up, instead of tantalising us with sly details of ambrosial delights. I hope he isn’t doing a Madoff. You know, winding us up and hinting how fabulous this chutney is, without actual details, so it becomes very exclusive and everyone is mad for it and then he sells a few jars at £10,000 a pop! Scarlett Johanssen sold her tissue, that she had sneezed into (and had traces of her phlegm on it) on E-Bay and got over £6,000 for it.
Do you think they have been in touch?
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I would love to have the chutney recipe as well. COME ON BORIS.
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Hey,bloggers, the Mayor must be under awful pressure what with all the things he has to deal with, massive problems, the recession, GB being a doofus and everything. Let’s take his mind off his problems, by winding him up and making lots of jokes and then that will alleviate the stress for him.
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Gill, I agree, we need the recipe, and the Mayor better cough up
Eew!
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Jaq you have probably heard about the wind turbine that was damaged and they think it was a UFO? I bet it was aliens. THEY HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE CHUTNEY AND THEY WANT SOME TOO!
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If it actually was an alien who broke the wind turbine, that would be so so exciting. Because there might be a world of higher understanding, beauty and spirituality trying to contact us, to teach us how to be better people. Alternatively, they might be sussing out the lie of the land to exterminate us all, because of the damage we have done on this planet, like KEANU in one of the very best films of 2008, THE DAY THE WORLD STOOD STILL.
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Hi Ros and others
I have sent Boris an SOS asking for this chutney recipe. Fingers crossed.
Melissa, webmaster
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Who doesn’t want the chutney recipe? I heard Bin Laden was sending his best men after it. If Boris prepared it without gloves it might just be possible to clone him from the chutney and thus raise another Turkish dynasty from the source DNA.
BTW what IS chutney? I’ve never chutnized, myself. I think it’s illegal in Canada.
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Raincoaster, chutney is a sort of pickle, made with vegetables and vingegar, but you can also have fruit chutney.
“Chutney (Hindi: चटनी caṭnī; Urdu: چٹنی, Bengali: চাটনী), is a term for a variety of sweet and spicy condiments, usually involving a fresh, chopped primary vegetable or fruit with added seasonings. Chutney, as a genre, is often similar to the indian pickle and the salsa of Latin American cuisine, or European relish.”
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A huge pat on the back to Justin King and to all his Sainsburys staff. They have bucked the trend to produce record seasonal sales, deservedly winning business from Waitrose and M. and S.
Mr. King, in my humble opinion, you are pitching it just right. My Camden store was brimful of bargains over Christmas, but also strong on quality and variety. Sainsburys leaves M. and S. trailing in its wake when it comes to choice. The choice is FANTASTIC. Mr. King is planning to open more stores and create more jobs and in this climate, that is genius.
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Hi Borris, and office… I belated happy new year to you all.
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Don’t forget the chutney recipe.
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