Oxford Literary Festival
Boris will be appearing at the Oxford Literary Festival on Sunday 26th March at 12pm to talk about his new book The Dream of Rome.
The Sunday Times Oxford Literary Festival is in its tenth year and will be held at Christ Church, one of the most beautiful and renowned of Oxford colleges. Against this marvellous backdrop you will hear writers talk about their books, their inspiration, their passions.
You can book by telephone on 0870 343 1001
More details are on the Festival Website.
28 Boris Johnson
The Dream of Rome
12 pm • £8.00 • Christ Church
Focusing on how the Romans made Europe work as a homogenous civilization and looking at why we are failing to make the EU work in modern times, Boris Johnson considers the lessons we could learn from the Romans and how we could apply them to our present-day politics. Complementing the BBC 2 series, his book, The Dream of Rome, sees him travelling throughout what was the Roman Empire to uncover the secrets of its governance and the reasons behind why the Romans held such power and prestige for so long.
83 Comments
re Boris’ carefully cultivated untidy hair, shirt hanging out etc:
“We have such a powerful class system, and the essence of aristocracy or gentlemanliness was not making an effort,”
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I wonder if we’re going to get any Boris comments on The Conservative Party’s Aims and Values. Or if we’ll get a blow-by-blow of the NUS debate.
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Will ask, raincoaster
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And I wonder why I screwed my link up again; it looked okay in the preview. Or is it that on Tory sites one can only link to the Spectator?
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Thanks, Melissa. That was fast!
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raincoaster – my preview for html looks like this for The Tyee for example:
add < a
then href
then =http
then ://the tyee.ca (or other link)
end with /">
and < and /a>
hope that works
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Okay, trying again. I swear, I only had one Martini and two cups of tea!
The Conservative party’s Aims and Values
Whew, seems to work this time. Dunno what I did before, but obviously my tea is not strong enough.
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Raincoaster : Or too strong perhaps?
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Will have to test that, Mac, since I’m all out of vodka. I wonder if Irish Breakfast is hallucinogenic: it sounds terribly exotic.
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works like a dream raincoaster
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Sadly, despite Melissa’s enthusiastic recommendation, I must report that Irish Breakfast tea is not the slightest bit hallucinogenic. On to yerba mate!
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Irish breakfast tea did , after all. help Joyce to produce Ullyses. It must be vaguely hallucinogenic.
[ A tip: start reading at chapter 4]
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What brand did he buy? I got Somethingorother of Harrowgate. Oh. Damn. Shoulda gotten Somethingorother of Kerry, I guess. My bad.
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You bought Yorkshire breakfast tea> Another kettle of fish altogether. Hmmm ???
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Eeh by gum, ta.
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Who needs a literary festival with this James Joyce double act?
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Oh hey, no pressure there! Writer’s block here I come!
*bangs head on keyboard*
I have a 600-word, birds and bees-themed singles club email to get to my boss by dawn. Thanks alot.
Where’s that damn tea?
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Strangely, it seems to be helping. Although it is quite obvious that if there is a God and he likes classical verse, I am going to burn in hell forever.
Here’s an example. Canadian/UK translations you need: First of all, I’m ghostwriting this for a man, I’m not gay; George is a posh local bar; everyone here drinks nothing but fruit-based Martinis it seems; and last year at least EVERYONE was on the bloody Atkins diet. Everyone in Vancouver is always on a diet. Anyway, behold (some of) what I do for a living. Oh, the humanity! Pray for me, friends.
Tall thriving Trees confessed the fruitful Mold
I paid good money to have removed.
The reddening Apple ripens here to Gold,
But Paltrow’s girl’s too young to groove.
Here the blue Fig with luscious Juice overflows,
A George Martini’s too good to spill.
With deeper Red the full Pomegranate glows,
Hey, four or five and I’ve had my fill.
The Branch here bends beneath the weighty Pear,
Although she’s Atkins all the way
and verdant Olive flourishes round the Year.
I dated her. Let’s party, eh?
- Attributed to “Homer” (Simpson?)
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The poem is ripe with non-gay Freudian references, or is it merely my overactive imagination.
Could it be true that George’s fruit
Is he who mixes drinks behind the bar.
Who uses Atkins as a mere excuse; another route
To shed obesity’s cloak, and thus return his weight to par?
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Mac! Are you trying to do me out of a job?!?!?!?! Thank god my boss doesn’t know about this website.
Don’t blame me for the Freudian references: the first and every second line after that is authentic Homer. I’m far too unoriginal to make a whole poem myself. You should see what I did with Wordsworth! It’s late and I forget the name of that verse form, but Dorothy Parker was, of course, on it like white on rice. She used to take all the stuffiest poems she could find and splice them with some quite vulgar, but very funny, lines.
And it’s uncanny: have you been to George? How do you know the bartender?
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Where I go, dear raincoaster ,the bar is always tender.
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Sorry to come back so quickly. I missed out on a chance to versify an answer. Unlike me !
Try this :
The facts are there, for all to see,
Presented well: to you from me.
You need to view the facts askance:
Give lateral thought a fighting chance.
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It seems to me the bar is set rather high. I need some coffee!
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Relating back to Boris’ article of…what, a week ago? Two weeks? Climate Change as Religion.
It appears the BBC can read, although it appears it cannot reference source material:
The Green God by Martin Livermore
Snip:
Environmentalism has become a religion, writes Martin Livermore in this week’s Green Room; humans should take off their hair shirts, and enjoy the lifestyles which progress has created.
Sounds vaguely familiar.
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Please would you pass on to Boris my congratulations for his new book “The Dream of Rome”. I have recently finished reading it found it to be a very entertaining and informative read. I am one of those “dodgy” people who study for the sake of it and I am currently doing a course in Classics with the Open University and thoroughly enjoying it. This book is full of interesting facts which I’m sure will be useful. Even though I’m not a Tory, I agree with Boris on many issues and if he was my MP I’d be inclined to vote for him. I’d love the opportunity to discuss ancient history with him.
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What happend to the tea ? I hope your remark about the bar had something to do with the high jump, rather than the one at George,( tender though it might be ).
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I have another 900 words to write tonight, not to mention re-working my resume to help get a proper day job (deadline Monday) so I thought I would ramp things up a bit. I’m currently working a nice buzz from an entire pot of Starbucks’ best. Will be moving on to Jasmine tea when I start to flag.
The height of the bar referred to the literary standard of the post; it’s a bit like being a showjumper. As soon as you get over the damn thing, they make it tougher. I don’t want to be forced to post my parody of The Raven! And if you’d read it, you also would not want me to be forced to post it.
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Ah, but if you’re the slightest bit boosterish, you might be interested in this:
The Narnia Rap Battle
Saturday Night Live showed an amusing New York-based rap about going to watch the Narnia movie. This is the homesite of the Los Angeles response, and I encourage you to watch them in order. They also host the Midwestern Narnia raps. I’m currently working on a Vancouver Naria rap, which is only natural, as we actually have a sailboat in False Creek called the Dawn Treader.
So far I haven’t got much past:
R to the E to the Reepicheep
Don’t give me allegory, cuz this rap’s not that deep!
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You’ve beat me girl, I’m such a sap
Don’t understand this alien rap.
I need a song to tell the tale,
Don’t dig the rapsters patois wail.
If music were of love the food
They surely starve, the rapster’s brood
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Think Boris might do a Henley one? There’s nothing in the rules about avoiding iambic pentameter, and it might actually work. Gotta have an Oxonian enter the great Narnia Rap Battle!
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raincoster
Off topic but you mentioned Oxonians. Oxford University students have voted to retain sub fusc dress for examinations – sort of black suits, bow ties and white shirts. Last week they struck out against ALF terrorists, this week they vote to retain a delightfully, quaint outmoded and useless tradition. Boris must be proud to be an Oxford man!
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Apparently not, at least until they give Thatcher an honorary degree. See Higher Learning for details. Personally, I wouldn’t give Thatcher anything but a subpoena or a kick in the rear, but then, I didn’t go to Oxford.
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Love your verses Mac and raincoaster
Yes, raincoaster, Mac is tops
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Thanks, Melissa. Jack, I understand what sub fusc is now, but what the heck is supra fusc then? Its existence seems to be implied, yet it isn’t even googleable. There must be a conspiracy involved somewhere. Perhaps it’s the uniform required in the presence of the Bavarian Illuminati?
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If you’re on poetry, I sent this to my bank manager last week:
Your first is in tread but not found in Reading, your second is in work and also in wedding.
Your third is a vowel, the first in the list and your last quenches thirst but won’t make you…..drunk.
No response yet, probably can’t work it out.
Not surprising given their performance in other areas.
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Didn’t take me long. But then, I’ve had an entire pot of Jasmine Oolong and three Ibuprofen today.
Joe, I hope for your sake you have a fixed-rate mortgage. Eventually he’ll show it to his wife and THEN you’re going to get it!
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I don’t have a mortgage and my bank manager is a woman.
In the (unlikely) event that she shows it to her husband, I’ll be suprised if I even get a phone call. Any such un-moderated communication will open her up to a tirade of (totally justified) verbal abuse pertaining to fiscal negligence and observations regarding whether she would be happier running a chip shop than a retail bank.
Anyway, I’m not convinced she can read. Maybe she should attend the Oxford Literary Festival.
I’ll recommend it if she phones me.
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Joe M
Subtle way of saying what you think – she’ll have to laugh when the penny drops
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I wouldn’t trust a bank manager who drops money…but then, Joe seems to indicate that her abilities lie elsewhere anyway. If she can figure it out, perhaps you could suggest a course in English Literature, as playing on her greater, rather than her lesser, strengths?
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It’s quiet.
Too quiet.
You’d almost think somebody was busy…
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Just got an e-mail from the bank’s (no names, no pack drill) head office regarding:
“…your apparent dissatisfaction with our service…”
They claim a “stakeholder” will be contacting me shortly.
Presumably to impale the b**ch.
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Garlic, Joe. Lots of garlic.
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An open letter to the bank:
To whom it may concern:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £36:00 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to the bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I Require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history, must be countersigned by a Notary Public; and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation, (income, debts, assets and liabilities), must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which, he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose
from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1.) To make an appointment to see me
2.) To query a missing payment.
3.) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.) To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.) To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8.) To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may; on occasion; involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of £40 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, financial year.
Faithfully,
Your Humble Customer,
Feel free to use it, or something similar,when writing to complain to your bank.
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Ha, ha!
Good one, Mac – you are a serious star
What a funny start to the day it was reading your comment! just how I feel at times: the automated service drives me nuts
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Just had a really grovelly call from the bank manager. She sounded so pathetically apologetic I didn’t have the heart to go for the jugular! (maybe that’s what the stake was for) I even put her on hold for five minutes to see if I could get away with it!
This seems to be betraying my better nature and I honestly didn’t think I had one. Perhaps I won’t evict the orphans and old Mrs Pomfrey on Christmas Eve this year for a change.
Unfortunately, having personal feelings given the way my company works is probably cause for disciplinary action.
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Joe, I think your talents are wasted in dealing with junior bank managers. You should be handling the terrorist issue. When you get the handwritten apology from Bin Laden, please post a picture.
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Osama?
Too easy. How about Tony Blair?
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He who hesitates is lost, and Oxford hesitated.
The English entry into the Narnia Rap Battle has been decided: Cambridge. Lewis must be thinking “Screwtape that!”
I TOLD you people to get rapping. Now you’re stuck with this to represent your country in the Great Narnia Rap Battle. Hoodie-wearing, underfed nerds who attempt to rhyme “Narnia Rap” and “Internet.”
The horror, the horror.
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Divide by octopus overflow.
Reinstall universe and reboot…
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TEA, mf-f, TEA, mf!
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